Moronacity

Moo.

I like cows.

That is no secret. Actually, allow me to correct myself. I love cows.

I’m not terribly fond of the smell of fresh bovine manure on fields, but other than that, the cow is a wonderful animal.
• They are cute.
• They moo. (mooing is funny)
• They taste good.
• They produce milk.
• They moo.

Even while riding my bike, I have had the opportunity to appreciate cows. On one of my routes, I pass a cow farm that produces milk for Jilbert’s Dairy. I think that’s pretty cool and it’s one of the highlights of my ride.

It is my immense appreciation for the cow that is the reason why I enjoyed a fairly recent email from my brother. It is called The Two Cows Economics Lesson. Here is an abbreviated version of the email:

Socialist
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Communist
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

American Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself, and do an IPO on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down-sized and are reducing your expenses. Your stock goes up.

Japanese Corporation
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

Taliban Corporation
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

Iraqi Corporation
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Florida Corporation
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best-looking one.
Some of the people, who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

Californian
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn’t.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows”. Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm “for the children.” Gray Davis signs a law giving your entire farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times’ analysis shows your business failure is Bush’s fault.

So, next time you find yourself worried about the economy, just jump on your bike, ride past a cow farm, think about the Two Cows Economics Lesson, and know how fortunate you are…unless you fit into any of the above economic designations.