I’ve had something weighing heavily on my mind, lately. To be truthful, I’m a little hurt. I’ve spent the last two days in limbo between hurt and searching for a way out of that hole.

Today, I’m cold. I mean, while I am literally cold because it is 55 degrees in my house as I try to warm it with the wood stove, I am finding that, emotionally, I am taking a turn for the colder. This is a part of the healing process. This is how I protect myself.

Today is the perfect day to become cold, tough Di. Just to keep you guys on your toes, I don’t mean this figuratively. Literally, I am going to be cold and tough. I keep hearing Johanna’s words in my mind that I will skate ski three times this week. While I can’t skate ski three times, I will do it today and tomorrow. Other obligations in my life have prevented me from doing so earlier this week and will keep me from doing so on Friday.

When I’m on, there is nothing like mountain biking or skate skiing to give me mental strength. I can be super sad or super pissed off – both sports require a lot from a person, at least with how I approach them, and that is enough to set me straight.

When I was working full time at the hospital, I dealt with my stress by mountain biking for two to three hours per day, four days a week. I had to start my rides with the most technical trails – full of rock gardens – because those trails forced me to focus on something other than my thoughts. If my mind wandered, I would miss something and come home bloody. Sure, blood is cool, but I would rather enjoy a successful ride.

The ~45 minutes I would spend on those trails would be just enough to clear my mind and allow me to speed through the other trails in bliss, free from pain and worry. It is this experience that makes me feel strong, tough, sexy, and worthy. It is this experience that allows me to send a big fuck you off to the world.

Unfortunately, mountain biking is currently not an option, so skate skiing is my sport of choice. I have the option of skating on world-class trails with challenging elevation changes. The flats allow me to artfully approach the sport, but the hill climbing is what forces me to focus and be tough. It is my time to become cold and tough.