I am not a happy person. I’m not quite sure what triggered this, and I find it a little difficult to admit, which is why I chose to be vague, today, but I find myself in a bit of a relapse.

Maybe it’s because we had a dose of spring followed by gloomy skies, strong winds, and freezing rain. Maybe this close-to-the-ending-of-winter following a long winter of much effort on my part is the final straw. All I know is that I now find myself in a bad place. I am unhappy.

“All I want is a hot, sunny day,” is something I find myself frequently telling people, these days. The truth is, it isn’t just what I want, but something I need. I need to escape. I need to disappear. For those who know me, this might seem kind of odd, but I don’t want to be noticed.

Maybe that isn’t really the truth, though. Maybe I want to be unnoticeable, but be noticed by those who really do care about me. It’s nice to find that you really are loved when you are at your lowest. The funny thing is that, for those who are truly observant, one often finds that people don’t want to notice you when you are here, in this unhappy place. You’re not really that loved after all. I guess that separates your true friends from your acquaintances. It also shows that some of what you thought were your acquaintances really are friends, but this is a rare case.

I know that most anyone who knows me thinks that I am a pretty happy person, and I know that many people think I am quite strong. I am usually quite upbeat and joking around. This is generally true. What they don’t know is that I’ve been putting quite a bit of effort into being that person these last six months, and the illusion of strength is just that – an illusion. Sure, it’s easy to be happy when surrounded by people, but it usually ends when everyone goes home, although it hasn’t been nearly as bad as tonight; and strength can be perceived when one is a master at dealing with their problems in rather unique ways – or ways that can be misconstrued simply as another strength.

All I really know is that I want to be in the one place I can’t, right now: on a really long bike ride under a warm sun. Riding a bike isn’t just exercise, but the only way I really know how to deny myself the reality of feeling life’s pain. That’s kind of an unusual way of putting it, but how many normal people do you know put themselves through the unusual pain of many hours on the saddle. You really have to have some kind of a disconnect with the world to spend three or more hours on a ride plus the time it takes to get ready and then do a post-ride routine. It takes quite a time commitment and many personal sacrifices – sacrifices I couldn’t make if I weren’t running from something.

It isn’t just a social disconnect, but a personal one as well. On the perfect day, one will find me riding on the most technical terrain I can handle. I don’t want to think. I really don’t want to be left alone with my own thoughts. I am quite content to have my mind filled with thoughts like, “Which line should I take?” and, “If I don’t make this, it is going to take a chunk out of me and my bike.” I don’t want to think, and it is often better if it ends up hurting and leaving a mark.

I think the most difficult part of how I am currently feeling is that I can think of no one cause. There is no one issue I can deal with. There is no particular root. It may very well be the result of many little things, and the little things are the most common cancer of happiness in today’s world. I am quite certain, however, of what the cure is, and I pray that a warm, sunny day arrives shortly. I need that comfortable disconnect of physical hell.